Fitting that this be my 100th post, it being about the end of things, as it were.
No, I’m not ending this blog, but I am ending this semester at college (it’s finals week, hence my lack of blogging, and writing. For shame, I know), and for a while now I’ve been holed up in a whirlwind of anxiety and sickness.
I don’t feel well. I don’t feel…like myself. I feel scared, tired, sad, and, quite frankly, not good enough. I barely go on Goodreads anymore, I no longer promote TDW or TIG (and part of that is because I’m in the middle of editing/rewriting The Dark World and the version that’s up is no longer valid), and I no longer write (much) of The Rather Depressing Tales of Patricia L. Bordeaux.
I haven’t touched my laptop in weeks (I’m on my boyfriend’s desktop), and any updates I’ve done have been through the library at college or on my phone. I’m…sad. At ill-ease with where I am, I guess. And I suppose it’s due to the finals, the stress of passing my classes, and the stress, I guess, of not having people read A Night of Frivolity. It only adds to my anxiety, my feelings of inadequacy. Now, I’m sure it’s being read, but reviewed, it is not. And that’s a bit disconcerting.
For all the promises of reading it and reviewing it, I’ve only had two people come through on it, and yes it’s received good reviews, but that’s about it.
I know it’s all the stress with everything I have going on on my end, but it is the main thing that has been bumming me out about this, taking me away from the utter…mass of criticisms on Goodreads. I remember a time when reading used to be what feelings were stirred in me when I read books, what I didn’t like or liked about a book that was only my opinion. Now it seems, with Goodreads, it’s been exacerbated and the wormhole’s been torn open: everyone has their opinions, especially on vampires (thank you sparkly glitter monsters), and it’s made it quite hard to wrap my head around…it all.
I don’t know, I guess I’m overwhelmed. I know everyone’s entitled to their opinion and we can’t really help what the mainstream media has decided will be the next Harry Potter. I just need a longer break. And that’s what I’ve been taking, I’d say, a well-deserved break, before I have a breakdown and just can’t deal with any of this at all.
I know I sound utterly mad, and just – I’m not making any sense.
I’m gonna drink some tea and take some medicine and study some more before I have to head back to college for a final.
And for those that have followed my blog since day one, thank you.
For those that have just found it and read this and think I’m an overly sensitive person who can’t calm down, you’re kind of right, but not always. It’s one of those days.
I’ll be fine. I’ll leave everyone with this:
“There was much I could say about my life, much I could pen down with reasonable time given, but it was terribly hard for me you see. For I was old. Much too old to remember, but still far too young to forget. I was trapped in time…and as much as I never wanted to be, I had no choice.
My name is Patricia Lauren Bordeaux, and I, like my creator before me, am a very lonely vampire.”
-Excerpt of A Night of Frivolity. Get it today for Kindle.
Keep your bite,
I’m keeping mine despite it all.